Chaos

Album currently playing: Nothing Left To Lose by Mat Kearney

I find life to be a facinating thing. I'm in a good rut of reading lately which consists of pretty much all biographies with a couple "church" type books sprinkled in. I'm finishing up a great book on JFK that I've had all summer but never dedicated a lot of time to with the exception of poolside on vacation but its been worth the time. I guess what captures me is how life is rarely about order and tranquility because there isn't much and yet none of us really want that. We say we do, yet our sense of drive, ambition, our need to succeed dictates that we are not able to sit back and coast. There may be moments but even in some of those life steps in with variables we can't predict or possibly even control. Those moments though are the things that let us know we're alive and make us grateful for other moments which at the time we weren't happy about. We finally ascend the hill to look back at the valley and though it sucked we're grateful for what we learned and came out of the pit with and yet we see far beyond something more intriguing, something more beautiful, or at least closer to that ultimate destination and so we head out knowing somewhere in our subconscious that there's probably another valley out there. Sometimes we walk waiting for the ground to fall out from under us, sometimes we walk with a confidence we've not known before. Sometimes we expect bad and get good, sometimes we feel invincible only to get leveled out of nowhere. And all the while we watch our friends and those we love go through the same thing. Sometimes our spot on the hill affords us the perspective to see what they're doing, sometimes they're way beyond us and we wonder where the strength, the fortitude, the insight comes from for them to survive. Sometimes those friends give us just the boost we need to survive, sometimes we feel as though the island we're on has never been seen before and there's no one to help.

Sometimes this life I lead now leaves me with the perspective of observer. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty happening in our lives, there's our daily struggles but in the past week Ang and I keep having these little conversations about people we love and what the heck is going on in their part of the journey. I talked for 2 hours with one this morning. It was all good, some of the conversation was sad because of what had to be said in honesty. I've read about or seen the pictures of others experiences and been left wishing there was a way I could be there or could offer a way to go. There are some I've lost contact with and the way they left things makes me afraid for them. There's the visit to a blog to read a maturity in someone I've not seen before and its encouraging and impressive.

While I was in Mexico I had the opportunity 4 different times to swim in the ocean. It was beautiful. Especially since we'd work so hard all day there was something about disengaging from the group, though we'd swim together, something about the way we'd all head out and process what we were living in a communal way as we simultaneously enjoyed nature and life. We'd body surf for a while, then start waiting just for good waves to catch which would lead us to end up often beyond all the breaks maybe a couple hundred yards off shore. We could still touch the ground but mostly just floated over what would eventually become a wave once it got closer to shore. The thing about it was it was so much life, always moving, always changing, sometimes exciting, sometimes a little intimidating, sometimes boring. Each of us would catch different waves, see different things some of us would venture back towards shore and some would swim farther out. Some of us didn't want to get out, some just wanted to get back to shore where you could stop and rest and catch your breath. But the real fun was in the same place as the real danger. Honestly, I can't lie I was a little scared when I first saw the fin of the dolphin above the water. Funny how the most beautiful experience was also a little terrifying. The best part of being at the beach was also in the same position where the worst moments of getting crushed by a wave or drinking more salt water than was healthy happened. And on one of our final days out there those of us in the water saw what those on the shore totally missed--8 dolphins. The came towards us, circled around a couple time and then swam back and forth in front of us in the breaks of the waves. 2 actually swam towards one of the leaders and swam on either side of him close enough he could feel them go by. And it was worth being out there. It was worth the salt in the back of my throat, the sore ear, the scuff on my knee from a nasty wave. It was something I'll never forget. And in the chaos of the ocean I saw, and maybe just me, a metaphor of life. I'm going to assume if you're reading this your a friend of mine so I wish you the best today. I pray your swim is memorable and my encouragement to you is keep your head above water. If you need somebody to help you talk to them. If you're too deep, head back closer to shore but by all means, keep swimming. It will be worth it.